You Can't Go Back
by VRS
Summary: 20 year old Ponyboy Curtis sat at his desk staring at the notebook in fornt of him. He was thinking how much better his life would have been if certain things never would have happened. But you can't change the past or can you?
1. Chapter 1

**Oaklahoma State University**

_1974_

**Chapter One**

Ponyboy Curtis was sitting at his desk studying for an English test when his roommate Ryan walked in. "Hey Pony," he said coming into the room. "There was a delivery man downstairs. You got a package." He handed it to me and flopped down on the bed.

"Thanks," I said setting the box down on the desk. He looked at Ryan he was laying on the flipping through a magazine. Ryan kind of slacked off in school. He could afford to I guess since his parents were paying for everything. If they were in Tulsa Ryan would be known as a Soc. He certainly looked like one. He wore dress pants and button down shirts. But he didn't care. Ryan was a pretty good guy and a good friend. That was one thing he liked about living here. There weren't Soc's or Greasers, everyone was pretty much here for the same reason. He looked and Ryan laying across the bed. Well almost everyone.

He on the other hand couldn't afford to slack off. He had gotten a full scholarship when he graduated from highschool. He couldn't get any grade below a 3.0 or he would lose his scholarship. He looked at the box. It was Darry. He smiled, he missed him. He enjoyed hearing from him. He pulled the letter off the top of the box and opened it.

_Dear Ponyboy,_

_How are the going there? I know midterms are coming up in a coulple weeks but I know you'll do just fine. I'm looking forward to your visit in a few weeks. I really miss you. Everything here his pretty much the same. Steve isn't doing so well, but I guess you know that. He hasn't been the same since..well you know. Oh yeah I've some news your never going to believe. Two-bit asked Kathy to Marry him and she said yes. I'll just let him tell you all about it when you get here. _

_Cherry Valence stopped by and asked about you. She was in town visting her parents. I think she misses you. I told her she should give you a call. I gave her your number. But I don't know if she'll use it. Well I have to go know it's getting late and I have to get up early. I'll see you in a few weeks._

_Love,_

_Your Brother Darry_

_P.S. I found these while I was cleaning the attic and thought you might like to have them._

He tore open the box . It was his journels. He kept them since he was six years old. He pulled out the one on top. _The Outsiders. _He opened it… _When I stepped out into the bright sunlight.._ he snapped it shut. It still hurt to read it even after all these years.

He shifted the rest of the journels in box. He remember when he first started keeping them. He had been six years old and his teacher had called his parents to the school because of a drawing he had done. They wouldn't let him see it. But they all seemed very upset by it. He didn't understand, he didn't doing a drawing. They even took him to a doctor. The doctor took X-Rays of his head and asked him a bunch of questions he didn't understand. Like did he ever do things that he didn't remember doing or being someplace and didn't remember going there. He had a few times. The doctor said what happened to him was called a blackout. There wasn't anything could really do to prevent them. Expect keep an eye on him and watch him closely. They told him keep a journel everyday. They said it would help him remember things better.

He had the blackouts up until he was sixteen and then they had just stopped. He hadn't one in four years. In fact he remembered the last one he had. I was right after the men from the Army and showed up at their door to tell them that his brother and been killed in Vietnam. When he came to his was across town in bar with no memory of how he got there. He shook his head, as if the shake the memory away. He didn't want to think about that right now.

"Hey Ryan," I said jumping up. "Lets go out tonight."

He looked at me out of the corner of his eye. "You." He said disbelievely. "You never want to out the week before midterms."

"There's a first time for everything. Besides we're going to celebrate." I said.

"Celebrate what," he said confused.

"It's been four years. No blackouts" I didn't usually like to tell people about my blackouts. It was personal. But since Ryan was going to be my roommate I thought he ought to know just in case I had one while he was with me; so he wouldn't freakout.

He jumped of the bed and high fived me. All right! Lets go party man." He said heading out the door. I followed him grabbing my jacket on the way out.


	2. Chapter 2

I forgot the Disclaimer in Chapter one so here it is.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Outsiders. S.E. Hinton does.

**Chapter Two**

Ponyboy and Ryan ended going to Hal's Bar and Pool hall. They were shooting a few games and having some drinks when Ryan spoke up. "So when did you first start having these blackouts anyway?"

"It all started when I was Six. I'd been someplace and I wouldn't remember how I got there or anything that happened while I was out." He said shooting for the corner pocket and missing. He stood back and waited for Ryan to take his shot.

"Man that's wild. Did they ever figure out what caused it?"

"No they took me to the doctors. They did X-Rays and tests. But they couldn't find any cause for it. They thought it might some inherited thing because I have an Uncle that used to have to same problem."

"What happened to him?" asked Ryan going to get another drink.

"He was my Mom's older brother. When she was sixteen he just kind of lost it and they had to put him in an institution. He's been there ever since." I said lighting a cigarette.

"Did you ever get to meet him?"

"Yeah once. I begged my parents to take me meet and they finnaly let. But I don't remember anything about it. The first thing I remember is guards bursting in the room and dragging him out. I have no idea what happened"

Ryan didn't seem to be listening anymore. He was looking at something behind me. "What are you looking at?"

"That girl," he said pointing to behind me. I looked there was a pretty brunette sitting behind me sipping a bear. "She's been checking you out. Why don't you go talk to her? She's cute."

"I don't know."

"Oh come on. The worst that can happen is she slaps you in the face and tells you to go to hell."

I stared at him a minute. I wondered if he had a lot of experience with that. "All right." I said getting up. I've always been shy about going up and talking to pretty girls. Not that I didn't do it. I just never knew what to say. I walked over to her. "Hi" I said clearing my throat. "I saw you sitting over hear and I was just wondering if…."just then someone's hand came down on my shoulder and spun me around.

"You hitting on my girl asshole."

I backed away. "Look I'm sorry I didn't know she was yours,"

"Well maybe next time you'll pay more attention," he said shoving me.

I was doing my best to control my temper but he was making me mad. I was walking away I saw the girl whisper something in his ear. Before I got back to the bar he was in my face again. "Are you Ponyboy Curtis?" he said grabbing the front of my shirt. I grabbed his hands and through them down. "Yeah. Why?"

"Bob Sheldon was my cousin and you and your little friend murdered him," he grabbing me again.

"Get out my face," I shoved him away. I wasn't in the mood for this. Before I knew what was happening he had punched me in the face. I stumbled back. "I'm going to teach you a lesson about what happens when you get away with murder." He said taking another swing at me. I ducked this time and brought my fist up and caught him in the mouth. I busted his lip. "Bastard," he cursed lunching at me and knocking me against the bar sending a shooting pain up my back. But I have time to thick about it before his fist landed in my stomach. It knocked the wind out me for a second. I shoved him away and landed on the floor with a thud. He got up a started toward me. Before he could do anything someone grabbed him and pulled him back. He tried to pull away. I started toward me but Ryan grabbed me and pulled me back. "Cool it man. It's all right,"

The bartender yelled, "All of you get out of here before I call the cops,"

I stood where I was. Ryan pulled on my arm. "Come on lets get out of here. Come on." He said pulling me out the door. "Man I don't believe that. Did you even know that guy?"

"No" I said. "That happens every now and then. I guess that's just something that people can't ever let go. I'm getting so sick of it."

"Well don't worry about. You can't do anything about it. Don't let is bother you. You can't change the past." he said.

"I know," I said. "You coming back to the dorm," I asked.

"No." he said. "I go over to Natalie. She invited me to spend the night. I'll see you in the morning he said heading down the street to his car. "You need a ride back?" he asked.

"No," I said. "It's all right I'll walk. Are you sure you should be driving?" I asked.

"I'm fine." He said. "It's just a couple of blocks away." He said getting in.

"Have fun," I said.

"You know I will," he said taking off. I turned and walked back up the street to the dorms.

I walked back to my room and sat down at my desk and pulled out one of the journels and opened it.

_November 8,1960_

_Today Mommy and Daddy took me to doctor. They took pictures of my of head and asked me lots of questions. I didn't understand. They were upset becaue of a picture a drew at school but I don't remember drawing it and they won't let me see it. _

I closed the notebook and leaned back in my chair. 'I wish I could remember that drawing . I wonder if we still have it. I think I'll ask Darry about it when I go home.'

I walked to the bed a layed down and fell into a fitful sleep.

_I got out of bed and walked to the door. I wanted a glass of water. I stopped at the door I heard Mommy and Daddy talking. _

"_It's just like my brother when he was little," said Mommy_

"_No it isn't,"said Daddy_

"_You don't know you weren't there. It was just like this. He did things he didn't remember and then my parents had to put him in that awful place."_

"_Its not going to be that way with Pony. This could be just a one time thing,"_

"_But-" she began._

"_And even if it isn't he'll be okay. We're going to take good care of him and keep an eye on him and nothing bad is going to happen as long as we're to take care of him," he wrapped his arms around her and held her._

I sat up in bed. It's been awhile since I thought about that. Mom had been really scared. And that had scared him. I walked back to the desk and pulled out _The Outsiders _and flipped through it. I stopped at the part right after I ranway with Johnny.

_I finnaly calmed down and wiped my eyes on my bare arm. My breath was coming in quivering sobs. "Gotta cigarette?"_

_He handed me one and struck a match. "Johhny I'm scared."_

All of a sudden I started to feel dizzy and the room began to spin and I felt like I might pass out. I closed my eyes and willed the dizziness to go away. When I open my eyes I wasn't in my room anymore. I was back on the street corner with Johhny. 'What the hell?' Whats happening

"You all right man?" Johnny asked. Noticing my blank stare. "Ponyboy?"

I didn't hear him. I was in shook. I allowed the ciggartte to fall out of my mouth and land on my shirt.

"Ponyboy, what's wrong?" he shook me. "Your burning yourself he said and grabbed the cigarette and threw it on the ground.

I looked around and I was back in my room again. 'What the hell just happened? Was that real?' I raised up my shirt and saw it; a small circular scar the size of a cigarette. I never had that before. Did I? But I had to have it, scars just don't appear out of no where. But that didn't explain how I found myself back on the street corner with Johhny. Could the blackouts be coming back or was it an hallutionation. It had to be. It just had to be.

It could be the blackouts were coming back. I had one the night Bob was killed. The last thing he remembered was the Soc's pulling up in their cars. I remember spitting at them and then nothing. The next thing I remember is being soaking wet and lying next to the fountain. With Bob bleeding a few feet away and Johhny clutching the bloody switch blade. 'I wish I could remember more about that night. I think It would help if I could. The only person who knew less about that night than him was Cherry. 'Dang I miss seeing her.' I could probably borrow Ryan's car and drive down tommorw morning and see her. She only lived about fifty miles from here. Since tommorw was Saturday he could drive down and see her and be back in time for class on Monday. 'I talk to Ryan in the morning about the car.' I thought as went back and got into bed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

I pulled up in front on Cherry's apartment building at about 8:30 in the morning. It had been about a year since he last saw her. The last time he came home for a visit. He remembered the night he asked her to be his girl. They had become really good friends his senior year. He had starting having feelings for her. He thought she felt the same way. He was wrong. When he asked her, she told him that it could never happen. She didn't feel that way about him. He knew the real reason. Her family and friends had been pressuring her to stay away from him; because he was a greaser and because of what had happened with Bob. They thought that it would hurt her reputation. So after that they hadn't really talked much.

He walked up to her door and knocked. "Coming," a voice yelled from inside. After a few seconds the door opened halfway because a chain was attached to it. "Ponyboy? Just a minute she shut the door and took the chain off. "Come in." she said standing back to let me in. "Sit down," she said walking to the couch. Would you like something to drink?" she asked.

"No thanks," I said. "How are things going?" I asked.

"Oh there going really good. I got new job. It's at a law office." She paused for a minute. "How are classes?"

"There good. Mid-terms are coming up."

"Ponyboy, what are doing here?" she asked suddenly.

"What do mean?" I asked.

"I mean you didn't drive all the way down here just to make small talk." She said getting up and waking to the kitchen. I got up and followed her. She poured herself a glass of water.

"Actually there was a reason I came. There's something I want to talk to you about."

"Sure. What is it?" she asked turning to face me. I paused for a moment before I spoke. "It's about the night Bob died." She looked away and took a sip of her water. "What about it?" she asked.

"Well I just wanted to talk to about it because. There are some things that I don't really remember."

"Like what?" she asked. "Well after they chased us I blacked out and I don't remember what happened. I just thought talking about might help me."

"Why do you want to remember? You know what happened as well as I does. They jumped you and tried to drown you and Johnny stabbed him. That's all there is to it." She said.

I could tell she was getting upset. I knew I should stop but something wouldn't let me. "Yeah, I know that but I just thought it would help if I could remember own my own."

"Well it doesn't help me to know." She was starting to yell. "It's not going to help you. It's not going to make things better. I mean I tried to stop him that night but-." She stopped abruptly.

"What did you say?" I demanded. She didn't answer. "What did you say?" I asked again.

"I knew." She whispered.

"You knew what?" I demanded. She bit her lip before answering. "I knew he was coming after you and Johnny that night."

"What! You knew. How?"

"He told me when he took me home. He said that he was going to make you and Johnny pay for what you did." she took a nervous sip of her water.

"You knew and you didn't do anything?" I yelled. "I did try." She said. "I tried to talk him out of it."

"Yeah, I bet you tried real hard." I said sarcastically.

"I did." She was near tears. "I told him it wasn't worth it. I tried to get him to stay with me. But he wouldn't listen. He was to drunk to think rationally."

"So that makes it okay."

"Of course not." She said leaning against the counter.

"Your damn right it doesn't. And you knew and did nothing."

"I did do something. I talk—."

"You talked to him. A lot of damn good that did." I was losing my temper. I didn't mean the things I was say but I couldn't stop. "You could have stopped him and you didn't." I yelled. "What did you want me to do?" she cried.

"I don't know. Something. You could have called the police. Told them what he was going to do."

"I didn't want Bob to get in trouble,"

"You didn't want Bob to get in trouble."I repeated. "Well that's just great. What about me and Johnny. You wanted us to get killed." I screamed. I knew I needed to calm down but I couldn't.

"No." She cried. "I was scared I didn't know what to do and the next morning when I saw the paper. I was sick when I found out what happened."

"You were sick. Well Johnny died because of you."

"What!" she was crying now.

"Johnny and Dally died because you were too afraid to do something. It's your fault."

I looked at her. She looked broken. I knew I had gone too far. I didn't mean all those things. I had to apologize. "Cherry-." I began. But she cut me off. "Get out!" she screamed. "Get out of here!"

I stared at her. I had really hurt her. "Cherry look I didn't mean those things."

"Yeah well I meant what I said. Get out!" she screamed. Throwing her glass at me and barely missing my head. I slowing backed toward the door and stopped. "Leave!" she screamed. I walked out the door and she slammed it behind me. I placed my hand on the door and considered going back in and trying to talk to her but decided against it. She was to upset to talk right. 'I can call her in few days and apologize when she's calmed down.' I walked back to the car and drove back home.

_Monday Afternoon_

I walked into my dorm room after my last class and found Ryan sitting on the bed doing what looked like class work. That was unusual. He usually put it off to the last minute if at all. "Hey Ryan what's going on?" I asked.

"Oh. Not too much. I just trying to finish the English paper up before midterms." he said.

"You mean you're actually doing work." I said.

"Yeah my parents called and said it I didn't my grades up they were gong to cut me off. And not my pay for next semester."

"So they finally got tired of you slacking off huh?"

"Yeah, Oh yeah before I forget your brother called. He said to call as soon as you get a chance. It sounded important."

"Thanks," I said picking up the phone. Ryan got up and headed for the door. "I'm going to head out. Natalie said she'd help me with my paper.

"All right. See ya." The phone was on the sixth ring and I was getting ready to hang up. When someone picked up.

"Hello….yeah….what….I don't know….Yeah on Saturday….Tuesday morning….Yeah I'm going to be there….Thanks…Bye…" I hung up the phone and fell down in my desk chair.

Cherry was dead. He couldn't believe it. She had driven her car through a red light Saturday night. The police said she hadn't been paying attention. When the light turned an 18 wheeler had been coming through at the same time. She had died on impact.

'It's all my fault. She was upset because of me. That's why she wasn't paying attention. It's all fault. What have I done?' I buried my hands in my face.

I got back to the dorm around six' o'clock that evening. I had just come from Cherry's funeral. Lot's of people had been their. Her parents, people from school, Marcia. Even Two-bit came. But he really just showed up for me.

I pulled off my tie and jacket and sat down at the desk. I couldn't believe this had happened. I pulled my shirt up and examined the scar on my stomach. I still didn't understand it. I had just forgotten I had it. 'But what if I didn't. What if I had some how? When it was reading I went back and created it. But this wasn't possible. Was it? If I can create scars? Could I take them away? And I could to that? Could I change what had happened to Cherry? Could I change Johnny and Dally's death or Bob's. I grabbed _The Outsiders _off the desk and flipped through it till I found what I was looking for.

_Bob shook his head, smiling slowly. "You could use a bath greaser. And a good working over. And we've got all night to do it. Give the kid a bath David."_

The same feeling I had before came over me. The room spun and I began to feel light-headed. I closed my eyes and waited.

_Sorry for the cliffhanger. But the chapter was long enough. I'll get chapter Four up as soon as I can. _


End file.
